how many bears make up a bear minimum
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Ok, but like, how married are you?