Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
You Might Also Like
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Ha.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus