This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
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When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Day 2 of my diet
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: