I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
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Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
😂😂😂
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”