I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
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#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
i choose….tongue
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My nickname in high school was “who?”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.