When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
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I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
What flavor cupcake are these
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.