remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
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I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I love it all
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.