Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
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Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”