I have no idea what she’s talking about.
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
work smarter, not harder
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
This is a sub tweet
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.