My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
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Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Life hack
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.