My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
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Love this one 😂🧟
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.