If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
My birth announcement for our third baby
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Remember folks 😂
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”