Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
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Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Worst bar ever.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry