And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
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NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!