I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
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My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Not all heroes wear capes…
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
All generalizations are stupid.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”