I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
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I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir