“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
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I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Morning.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.