Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.