Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
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I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head