Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
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NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.