Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Bring back the McRib
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥