BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
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ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat