– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
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Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
The Backseat Boys
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!