The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
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You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.