rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh