I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
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Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
$3 #books
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.