I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.