I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
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Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
A friend helps you before you need it
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this