“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
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I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*