Does beer think about me too?
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This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂