If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
🤣🤣🤣
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal