If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
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i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot