If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
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My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members