No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
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robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?