I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
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Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
😎 🍻
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.