one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
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If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.