[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
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My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park