DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
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People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I feel attacked.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.