Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
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What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license