I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
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Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest