YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
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A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.