Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
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Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Whoa 😂
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet