Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
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My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I would move hell over six inches for you
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
B
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead