Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
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Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
man i love columbo
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Just me and my debit card against the world
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Driving in Europe vs Canada