Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
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2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?