I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
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Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
This can never not be funny 😭😭