My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
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If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
The internet is full of many things
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Who knew!
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.