I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
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I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
dam girl
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.