In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
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me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.