A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.